Man vs Animal Who Would Win Stoned — 5 Funny Takes

Man vs animal who would win stoned is a question Fordee could not stop thinking about after scrolling Instagram high one evening. He came across a YouGov survey that asked 1,224 adult men and women which animals they thought they could beat in a fight — and the results were hilarious. Welcome to Dear Ganja Diary Episode 002, where we break down the data with 5 funny takes and settle the question of which animals can humans beat once and for all (while stoned).

What Is the YouGov Man vs Animal Survey?

The YouGov man vs animal survey polled approximately 1,224 adult men and women in 2021 asking a simple hypothetical: if you had to fight this animal, who do you think would win — you or the animal? No weapons, just a straight-up fight. The results range from reassuringly confident (rats, house cats) to delusional (grizzly bears, gorillas). Fordee found the survey through Instagram account Yup That Exists and immediately had thoughts.

Man vs Animal Fight Stoned Thoughts — Fordee’s 5 Funny Takes

Think of this as a stoned animal fight quiz in video form. Here are Fordee’s man vs animal fight stoned thoughts, working up the list from most beatable to absolutely-not-a-chance.

Take 1: Rat and House Cat — Confident Territory

The YouGov man vs animal survey found that 76% of men and 68% of women said they could beat a rat. For men, only 24% said no — and Fordee has thoughts about those 24%. “Ladies, if you’re with a dude who says he cannot take a rat, should you be with this dude?” Fair point. House cats came in at 74% of men and 64% of women saying win. A house cat can scratch you, but come on.

Take 2: Goose — More Dangerous Than You Think

Here is where the stoned animal fight quiz gets interesting. Geese have huge wingspans and genuinely bad attitudes. The survey showed 71% of men and 51% of women felt confident against a goose. Fordee’s strategy? Grab the neck. “Go in for the uppercut right in the titty.” The goose would lose. Probably.

Take 3: Dogs — Medium vs Large is a Big Difference

A medium-sized dog like a labrador? 60% of men said yes. A large dog like a pit bull, rottweiler, or doberman? Only 31% of men felt confident. Fordee actually shared a real tip from a self-defence course he once took: if a dog attacks you, sacrifice one arm as bait, let it bite, then grab it, jump on it with your full body weight and crush it. Survival tip delivered while high. Respect.

Take 4: Eagle, Cobra, and Chimpanzee — Getting Dicey

The man vs animal who would win stoned question gets harder here. An eagle’s talons are the size of fingers and its beak could bite through nuts. King cobras are nine feet long and one bite kills you. Only 23% of men felt confident against a cobra. Chimpanzees? 22% of men said they could win, but Fordee is not one of them. “I would try to talk to it. Negotiate. I’ll get him high, he’ll forget about everything, and I’ll go home and survive.” Sound strategy.

Take 5: Gorilla, Elephant, Lion, Grizzly Bear — Hard No

The bottom of the stoned animal fight quiz is a wall of extremely bad ideas. 9% of men said gorilla — no. Gorillas do jiu jitsu in the forest and swing from vines. An elephant will literally sit on you and you will die. A lion is the king of the jungle and does not negotiate. And a grizzly bear? The fewest number of people on the entire survey said they could take a grizzly — and those people are wrong. Fordee’s take: “Just because you saw The Revenant doesn’t mean you’ve been trained in bear tactics.”

Which Animals Can Humans Beat? Fordee’s Final Rankings

So which animals can humans beat based on the stoned logic of Dear Ganja Diary? Here is the honest ranking from most to least beatable:

• ✅ Rat — Obvious yes. Do not overthink it.
• ✅ House cat — Yes. Maybe a scratch. You win.
• ✅ Goose — Yes, but respect the goose. They’re ruffians.
• ⚠️ Medium dog — Probably. Use the self-defence technique.
• ⚠️ Large dog — Possible, but you’re getting hurt either way.
• ❌ Eagle — Maybe dodge the dive bomb but probably not.
• ❌ King cobra — You are not throwing something fast enough.
• ❌ Chimpanzee — Get him high and escape. That’s the best plan.
• ❌ Kangaroo — That tail ends you. 17% of men disagree and they’re wrong.
• ❌ Wolf, Crocodile, Gorilla, Elephant — Absolutely not.
• ❌❌ Lion, Grizzly Bear — You are not surviving this. Full stop.